Stop, Breathe and Answer

We had our “Welcome Back to School” with our Special Education Parent Council. I was happy to see many new faces there. The discussion began and people started sharing some challenges they are having with their children and things they hope to see improve in this coming school year. 

One parent was sitting back quietly listening and observing. He was one of the newer faces at the meeting. He raised his hand to share and from the moment he started talking I knew he did not have a child who received Special Education services. Some of the things he asked and spoke about could have been easily been taken offensively by most in attendance. Some parents, myself included patiently and calmly answered his questions as best we could. If I am honest when I first heard what he had to say I could feel my heart racing and I was thinking "is he seriously saying that". I was wondering why he even came to our meeting to begin with. 

 As people were still in discussion I sat in reflection of what he had said thinking sadly many people think and feel the same way he does. But then something happened a friend sitting near me thanked him for coming and for being brave to ask questions. In that instance I realized she was right and this was our opportunity to share and hopefully give him knowledge that will change his views. I too thanked him and said it would be great if more people asked questions rather than hold onto notions that were not true. I told him most of our children deal with invisible challenges that are not seen outwardly. I shared that they need our support and acceptance to succeed. I told him most people wouldn't think it was okay to ask a person in a wheelchair to get up and walk. 

I honestly don’t know if he will walk away taking in what we shared but I can certainly hold onto the hope that he will remember that day. This situation made me realize that it could have been so easy for all of us to have been reactive to his statements but what good would that have done. The only way to break the ignorance cycle is not to meet it with anger but to shed light into its darkness. I’m hoping that’s what we did. I am really proud of our small group of parents. We chose to live by the words “treat others the way you want to be treated”. 

Wonder Where the Kindness has Gone?

When the movie Wonder came out (and everyone rooted for Auggie and the awesome kids in the movie who all became best friends) many schools including my children's used this great movie and book as a learning tool to teach about kindness and acceptance of all people. It’s such a lovely concept, but the reality is once the movie lights go back on or we get to the end of our book we quickly forget and sadly put kindness on the back burner.

Some time has passed and I the parent of a child that is wonderfully quirky, wired a bit differently than some of his peers, honest to a fault and quite frankly one of the funniest people I know, hardly gets invited to things. Honestly, I’m not writing this because I want people to feel sorry for us or others who are in similar situations. The fact is, I don’t want my child to be around people who don’t appreciate who he is. We don’t need anyone’s pity. We simply need you to be kind and teach your children to do the same. Don’t just do it for the moment; do it and have it to be part of who you are...part of who your family is. Most families that have a child that may be wired differently and struggles to fit in, signed up in a variety of different classes so they learn how to socialize. I truly think that it should be a standard class taught to all children, and quite frankly, their parents too.  I truly believe that if we all lived by the Golden Rule - treat others the way you want to be treated - the world would be a place we would all feel proud of.

So as you are reading this, ask yourself what can I do that will help bring forth a much-needed change. Should children and adults be ostracized simply because they don’t fit into the cookie cutter that society calls “normal”? For a moment, try and put yourself in that person’s shoes. Try and put yourself in their family’s shoes. My heart is filled with hope for humanity, but sadly it gets chipped away by the harsh realities I witness. This message is not just for my children, but for all of us. I am happily quirky, outspoken, empathetic person who does not fit in with the cookie-cutter mold either, but I am an adult with thick skin. Our children have yet to be hardened to the harshness the world sometimes delivers. You often hear people say “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”. So if we see our children not accepting another child because they are “different”, I invite you to go look in the mirror and ask yourself is that what I do too? I leave you with this thought “Give to others, and God will give to you. Indeed, you will receive a full measure, a generous helping poured into your hands-all that you can hold. The measure you use for others is the one that God will use for you." Luke 6:38 GNT

To the Mother of the Tantruming Child

To the mother of the tantruming child,

Hold strong, for even though the days seem long, they will not last forever.  I know you are tired, angry and full of guilt.  I know you wonder, “What have I done wrong?”  or “Why won’t my child just listen to me?”

You start the day fresh every morning with patience and then one sandwich cut into triangles instead of squares wrecks the day.  How about that t-shirt with the nagging tag that has your child in a yelling fit?  Or the time you say “no” that sets your child off so much so that you look at the clock counting the minutes until bedtime.  All of this has you judging your own parenting and fearing the next tantrum.  It’s what keeps you up at night and is the source of your many tears.  It’s what has you arguing with your husband because he made the situation worse or didn’t support you.  It’s what has you feeling like you are all alone and nobody understands what you are going through.

I promise you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  That mom that you think, “Wow, she has it all under control”, isn’t a better mother than you.  She is just better at hiding it.  We have all been there, maybe some of us more than others.  Be strong, for one day you will look back and see that all of this has made you a better version of yourself. The best part is the same can be true for your child.  This is all part of your story and your child’s story. As mothers, we want to skip ahead to the happy ending, but it’s all the trials in the journey along the way that shape us into who we will become.

How do I know all this?  My once tantruming child is approaching his teenage years.  Last week he was given an award in school and as I watched my son walk across the stage to receive this prestigious award, his younger years flashed back to me.  All the tantrums, tears, fighting, teaching moments, hugs, love, and guidance had brought him to this moment.  Back in the day, in the midst of the tantrums, I feared for his future, but here he is.  He overcame many obstacles, but the obstacles did not break him.  They made him into the young man he is today.  He is brilliant, strong, loving, and connected to his parents.  Know that what you are going through today does not define you.  It is part of your story, part of your child’s story, and one day you will look back and see that it made you both stronger.

By Juarline Stavrinos

A Mom’s Lesson in Letting Go

The weekend came that my husband was taking my son away for a retreat weekend. My husband is a great dad so why was I so anxious about it? I suppose like most moms I feel like I have to take care of everything, as though I am “Super Mom” who can fix any and every situation for my kids. This feeling often consumes me and if I'm being honest it is quite exhausting at times.

     I know I drove my husband crazy the week before they left. I must have repeated 1,000 times the things he needed to do to take care of our son as if he didn't know.  He gave me those looks like “You are being nutty”, but he knew my stress was coming from simply wanting everything to go well.         

   I started thinking there must be something wrong with me. My husband and son were going away for a nice weekend experience and my daughter was going to be away at a sleepover. What mom wouldn't rejoice in having a weekend to herself?

   They left Friday and I couldn't wait to hear from them to calm my mommy nerves. My husband finally texted me late that evening saying, "We got here ok but he's having a little bit of a tough time". I  jumped to call him and wanted to say just come home. My anxious thoughts were swirling telling me my fears were right. I had to STOP and BREATHE and get my thoughts together before I got on the phone with my son.

My son, like many boys, is a "mommy's boy". He seeks me out when he needs to know that everything is going to be okay. I got on the phone with him as he began to tell me how much he missed me and he wished I was there with him. My heart sank, but I knew that giving into my fears of wanting to make it all okay for him was taking the easy way out; it would not teach him anything. I told him I missed him too but was so excited to hear all about the awesome adventures he would be having with his dad. I told him that I loved him and knew he would love his time there. I told him to focus on the fun rather than things that were stressing him out.

I got off the phone and thought, “How can I expect him to do that if I can't do it myself?” I also thought about all the clients I work with and knew they too feel this way at times. This gave me the inspiration to stand in integrity of what I believe, of what I teach.  So I dropped my daughter off at her sleepover and went home to rejoice in the quiet time I would have to myself. I watched my favorite shows and took a long quiet shower. I applied a face mask and took the time to take care of me. I did so knowing and trusting that all would be okay for all of our "adventures".

I learned that by pushing past my fears of what could go wrong, I opened a space for us to learn all the wonderful things that went right. Trusting others to help me is sometimes hard for me to do. However, I learned that it is necessary for me so that I can be a better mom and teach my kids to trust themselves in the process. It's also so important for me to be able to take some of the pressure off myself that only I can "fix" everything.  What I learned that weekend is if I want to be the best mom I can be, I have to let go of having to be in control all of the time. I have to have faith and trust in my husband.  After all, one of the many things I love about him is what a great dad he is.   We work really hard together on our parenting and I need to believe that it has helped our children to be who they are - great kids!!

By Margarita Daskalakis

High Functioning Family’s Top Five Tips to Staying Calm

When our children are acting out or being defiant it is natural for us to be reactive and get angry.  Let’s face it, who wants to get yelled at, talked back to, or ignored by their own child.  I was raised with the “I have to teach them a lesson” parenting style.  I have noticed if I am flipping out it isn’t actually teaching them anything other than more disrespect, more anger and more annoyance.  I have gotten the best response and had the best teaching moments with my kids when I am calm.  I end up connecting with them.  We all take our responsibility and I leave feeling much better than when I lose it.  Staying calm is easier said than done, right?   The first step is to figure out what works for you.   Here are our favorite strategies:

1. Breathe: We tell our kids to breathe all the time but we have to remember to do it as well.  It is actually the first step to getting you out of reaction mode because it gets you to stop. It will also get you to  think about how you want to respond to the situation.
2. Talk to yourself:  I know this sound crazy but it works.  It helps get the focus off of what is triggering you.  I have said things like,  “You can do this, don’t fall into the trap, what’s my goal, what do I want to happen right now”.
3. Walk away: Even if it’s for a second to regroup, just do it.  Walk in and out of the bathroom or your bedroom.  Just get away from the stressor for a moment.
4. Ground yourself:  Too many times we get sucked into our children’s anger and frustration and we create a story around it.  Ever thought, “Why are you doing this to me?”.   When you ground yourself you take yourself out of the story and back into reality.  You do this by asking yourself, “What is really happening”. You don’t look at the story but instead you look at the action.  An example of this is, “They are purposely trying to delay doing their hw.”  (the story) to “They are moving around, they are fiddling with their pencil, they are talking” (what is actually happening).
5. Laugh: Because sometimes you just have to.  We need to not take everything so seriously.  Sometimes laughing at the craziness of the situation helps us to let it go.

This doesn’t mean that our kids are going to magically be perfect or even know how to get themselves calm without some support from us.  It gives them good and appropriate behavior to model after when we use the strategies we want our kids to use as well.  Ever find yourself yelling at your kids to stop yelling?  When a problem arises take a moment to reflect on how you are reacting to the situation. Now ask yourself if that is how you want your kids to respond when something is stressing them out.  If the answer you come up with is “Yes” then awesome give yourself a pat on the back and keep up the great work.  If the answer is “No” it’s not a bad thing it simply means we get to learn and grow from it.  Reflection gives us the opportunity to learn what’s working and build it up. It also helps us learn what’s not working so we can change what we want and need in order to be calm parents.

New Year, New Rules

New Year, New Rules

The older I'm becoming the faster time seems to be going. I feel like it wasn't that long ago that it turned 2016 but here we are again waiting to celebrate the turn of a new year. As many people do, I often like to reflect on how my year went, the good and the bad. I like to use it as a learning experience so that we, myself and my family, keep moving forward.  I am working on bringing this awareness to my kids as well because let's be honest, it's really easy to stay stagnant and not challenge ourselves to grow as human beings.

We were all sitting in the kitchen after dinner and I began talking about  "new year, new you".  I started to verbally reflect on things we could change as a family to make our lives better. It occurred to me that it's been a while since we revamped our family rules and I thought this would be a great time to do it. My husband and I thought of areas that we get frustrated with our kids and we created rules around it.  For example, cleaning up after themselves; all toys, games and books must be cleaned up by being put back where they belong after they use them. If they are left out they will lose them and have to earn them back with chores. This was agreeable with my kids but they wanted to create their own rules for their dad and I. One of their rules is in collaboration of the above rule is that they get one calm (no yelling) warning from us to put all their stuff away. They will have ten minutes to comply after said warning and if at that point anything is left out it's gone. We both agreed to this and agreed to no yelling at each other because of it. This will help us all to be accountable to stay calm and be responsible for how we respond to each other.

We also each took responsibility for areas where we need to improve and discussed  actions that will help us better those areas. There  were many other rules and responsibilities we added. We all walked away feeling happy about the new year to come. It was a check in with our family and ourselves to see what's working and what's not.   Now we can grow and nurture what we want to create for our family and ourselves.

Margarita Daskalakis

Momma Knows Best

 When I first found out that my son had epilepsy I felt so helpless.  I felt like I didn’t know how to help him or why this was happening, but most importantly I wanted to know how and if we could make the seizures stop.  As his mother I just wanted to scoop him up and make it all better, but I felt powerless and at the mercy of the doctors.  We went from doctor to doctor until we finally found one we felt comfortable with.  Once we were happy with our doctor, we went from medicine to medicine until we finally found the one that stopped his seizures.  And when we finally found the medicine that worked for him it caused him to be tired, have mood swings and we had to keep watch on his liver for possible damage.  All the while, I sat in the passenger seat letting the doctors tell me what was right for my son.  Don’t get me wrong, we were blessed with the doctor that finally found the right medicine to stop his seizures.  He was caring, held our hand and listened as we asked countless questions.  But I thought that he held all of the answers and I had none.

I remember one appointment where I was telling the doctor that this new medicine was making my son agitated and he was having major mood swings.  I was assured that it couldn’t be the medicine because this particular medicine actually was found to sedate children and stabilize mood swings.  At the same appointment I asked why my son was having these seizures and I was told it was hereditary, yet we could not find one family member that had ever had even one seizure.  That is when I stopped being a passenger in my son’s life.  I reclaimed my mother’s instinct and said, “enough is enough”.  I knew there had to be some answers out there.
 
Now did I go a bit to extremes? Yes, but only because my gut was telling me there was another way.  So I went back to school for nutrition and in my studies I learned that there was a possibility that since my son was a highly allergic child, certain foods could trigger his seizures.  So we cleaned up his diet.  I also learned that essential oils could support some children with seizures, so we started using it externally with him.  You see, I started working hand and hand with his doctor, rather than just sitting back helplessly.  Working together with the support of our doctor, within four years my son was weaned off his medicine and has been seizure free and med free for more than two years!  

We were blessed to have such an amazing turn of events.  However,  it wasn’t until I stopped being consumed by my lack of power and instead empowered myself as a mom that things changed.   I needed to say to myself, “ I was put on earth specifically for this child.  I know what he needs. I am his mother.” And I needed to believe it!   I don’t claim on being an expert of all things, but I do know my children better than anyone else on this planet and my maternal instinct is strongest when conflict or turmoil arise.  From now on, I know to rely on the experts to support my decision making as a parent, but at the end of the day I truly believe  Momma knows best!

By Juarline Stavrinos