The Voices in My Head

The voices in my head...Yes!! There are voices in my head and sometimes they drive me crazy!! I signed my kids up for swimming lessons.  This should be a fairly simple thing for most people but the voices in my head started up with, "Should I tell them that my son has autism?” and “If I don't tell them and he acts out, what will they think?".   This is a scenario that is often played out in my head.  When we first moved to our new home I was contemplating, “Should I tell the neighbors about him?”  Then I think, “Well if I tell them will they treat him differently?”  “But if I don't, will they wonder why I am always so paranoid when we are sitting on our front porch?”  Fear can be my worst enemy.

Those voices in my head have done great things for me too, like knowing my son needed help early on.  The thing I am working on lately is how to filter the good from the bad.  Listening to what will move and forward my life into the direction that I want it to go.  I’m also human and sometimes allow the fear to take over.  It was possibly the first few weeks we moved into our home and I was so worried about my son wandering off.  I saw our new neighbor and went to introduce myself and one of the first things I blurted out was, "My son has Autism so if you happen to see him wandering off please stop him."  You can only imagine what was going through my head in the instant the words came out of my mouth.  I came home and told my husband, "Well the neighbor thinks I am crazy so there goes our kids’ social life".  Needless to say, I have since learned to filter my thoughts before they come out of my mouth, especially in front of new people.

So this past weekend we were waiting to start our first swimming lesson and I held myself back from telling the instructor about my son.  He did awesome and as a matter of fact, so did I!  The thing I am coming to terms with is, “Who am I trying to protect by telling people about my son?”  The truth is, it’s me!!  He is perfectly content being who he is.  It is my ego that wants to tell people before they look to judge us.   I need to start having more faith in people.   I am also learning to not be so affected by what others may think.  The fact is pre-children I was the person who would look at a parent in the store with their screaming child and think, "They have no clue what they are doing."  Fast forward to today and that's me the parent with the screaming children...and so the saying goes "Until you have walked in my shoes don't judge". 

The thing is we all do that.  We see someone and automatically place a label on them.  We really don't know what is going on in their world.  So, today I am choosing to smile and feel confident with humanity.  When I hear the "Voices in my Head" I will stop for a moment and listen.  I will do my best to distinguish fear from truth.  I will allow things to play out before I try to "fix" them.  I know this doesn't mean people will stop judging me, but I will just be there to help them understand.