New Year, New Rules

New Year, New Rules

The older I'm becoming the faster time seems to be going. I feel like it wasn't that long ago that it turned 2016 but here we are again waiting to celebrate the turn of a new year. As many people do, I often like to reflect on how my year went, the good and the bad. I like to use it as a learning experience so that we, myself and my family, keep moving forward.  I am working on bringing this awareness to my kids as well because let's be honest, it's really easy to stay stagnant and not challenge ourselves to grow as human beings.

We were all sitting in the kitchen after dinner and I began talking about  "new year, new you".  I started to verbally reflect on things we could change as a family to make our lives better. It occurred to me that it's been a while since we revamped our family rules and I thought this would be a great time to do it. My husband and I thought of areas that we get frustrated with our kids and we created rules around it.  For example, cleaning up after themselves; all toys, games and books must be cleaned up by being put back where they belong after they use them. If they are left out they will lose them and have to earn them back with chores. This was agreeable with my kids but they wanted to create their own rules for their dad and I. One of their rules is in collaboration of the above rule is that they get one calm (no yelling) warning from us to put all their stuff away. They will have ten minutes to comply after said warning and if at that point anything is left out it's gone. We both agreed to this and agreed to no yelling at each other because of it. This will help us all to be accountable to stay calm and be responsible for how we respond to each other.

We also each took responsibility for areas where we need to improve and discussed  actions that will help us better those areas. There  were many other rules and responsibilities we added. We all walked away feeling happy about the new year to come. It was a check in with our family and ourselves to see what's working and what's not.   Now we can grow and nurture what we want to create for our family and ourselves.

Margarita Daskalakis

Momma Knows Best

 When I first found out that my son had epilepsy I felt so helpless.  I felt like I didn’t know how to help him or why this was happening, but most importantly I wanted to know how and if we could make the seizures stop.  As his mother I just wanted to scoop him up and make it all better, but I felt powerless and at the mercy of the doctors.  We went from doctor to doctor until we finally found one we felt comfortable with.  Once we were happy with our doctor, we went from medicine to medicine until we finally found the one that stopped his seizures.  And when we finally found the medicine that worked for him it caused him to be tired, have mood swings and we had to keep watch on his liver for possible damage.  All the while, I sat in the passenger seat letting the doctors tell me what was right for my son.  Don’t get me wrong, we were blessed with the doctor that finally found the right medicine to stop his seizures.  He was caring, held our hand and listened as we asked countless questions.  But I thought that he held all of the answers and I had none.

I remember one appointment where I was telling the doctor that this new medicine was making my son agitated and he was having major mood swings.  I was assured that it couldn’t be the medicine because this particular medicine actually was found to sedate children and stabilize mood swings.  At the same appointment I asked why my son was having these seizures and I was told it was hereditary, yet we could not find one family member that had ever had even one seizure.  That is when I stopped being a passenger in my son’s life.  I reclaimed my mother’s instinct and said, “enough is enough”.  I knew there had to be some answers out there.
 
Now did I go a bit to extremes? Yes, but only because my gut was telling me there was another way.  So I went back to school for nutrition and in my studies I learned that there was a possibility that since my son was a highly allergic child, certain foods could trigger his seizures.  So we cleaned up his diet.  I also learned that essential oils could support some children with seizures, so we started using it externally with him.  You see, I started working hand and hand with his doctor, rather than just sitting back helplessly.  Working together with the support of our doctor, within four years my son was weaned off his medicine and has been seizure free and med free for more than two years!  

We were blessed to have such an amazing turn of events.  However,  it wasn’t until I stopped being consumed by my lack of power and instead empowered myself as a mom that things changed.   I needed to say to myself, “ I was put on earth specifically for this child.  I know what he needs. I am his mother.” And I needed to believe it!   I don’t claim on being an expert of all things, but I do know my children better than anyone else on this planet and my maternal instinct is strongest when conflict or turmoil arise.  From now on, I know to rely on the experts to support my decision making as a parent, but at the end of the day I truly believe  Momma knows best!

By Juarline Stavrinos

Surviving the Homework Battle

School is in session and if your home is anything like ours, the battle of routine is amongst us. It seems as though our kids come home and they are simply DONE.  Their brains are on overload.  Rightfully so, the demands on our children nowadays are much higher than what we had when we were in school.  The other thing is they are always STARVING as if they haven’t eaten all day.  One of the top complaints we hear from families is, “My kids don’t want to do their homework.” It seems to always turn into a battle. What do we do so that we are not all pulling our hair out by 4pm?  Here are some of our top tips to have homework time go smoother.

1. Have a structured routine so your children knows exactly what to expect. Having a routine so your kids know exactly what is going to happen when they get home is really important and truly helps to alleviate the HW battle.  We have found many of the families that struggle most don't have a set routine. This allows for arguments and power struggles to occur.  When there is no set structure in place, both sides have unexpressed expectations that do not get met, which often leads to the homework battle.  Our children need us to guide them and knowing exactly what we expect from them helps ease the anxiety and miscommunication.   
2. Give them a healthy snack.  Like we said before, many kids come home “starving”.  Giving them a snack allows them to take a break and have their brain rest.  It also gives them a boost of energy to allow them to complete their tasks.
3. Have a homework basket where all supplies are located.  We use a pencil case.  In there we have pencils, erasers, crayons, markers, glue, scissors and anything else I find they need for HW.  This eliminates their opportunity to procrastinate by looking for supplies.
4. Pick a designated homework spot.  Have your children sit in the same area to do their homework each day.  This area should be free from distractions and comfortable for them.
5. Don’t be attached to what you think doing HW looks like.  Remember the demands on our kids are so high.  When they come home they have been holding it together for over 6 hours.  They have been sitting up straight and quietly for many hours.  Allow them to move if they need to.  Some kids may need to stand  or use a bouncy chair.  Others may need the use of a fidget. Many kids think and focus better when they are allowed to have some movement.  My son HATES math homework. We make it fun by playing his favorite song right before he starts and we just dance out the frustration. Whatever the case may be, let go of ridgeness.  What is our main goal? It is to complete HW without it being a battle, so let go a little.  As long as it is getting done and they tried their best, let them sit how they need to.

We recommend having kids complete their homework sooner rather than later.  The longer you wait, the harder it is for them to get back into school brain.   We always tell my kids the faster we get it done the more time they have for themselves.   If you find your child is consistently struggling with the homework, make sure to reach out to their teacher and let them know.  Homework should be something that your child understands and it doesn’t need to be a battle.  Taking these simple steps can help make it easier for all. We want our kids to feel good about themselves and their schoolwork.

by Margarita Daskalakis and Juarline Stavrinos  

The Voices in My Head

The voices in my head...Yes!! There are voices in my head and sometimes they drive me crazy!! I signed my kids up for swimming lessons.  This should be a fairly simple thing for most people but the voices in my head started up with, "Should I tell them that my son has autism?” and “If I don't tell them and he acts out, what will they think?".   This is a scenario that is often played out in my head.  When we first moved to our new home I was contemplating, “Should I tell the neighbors about him?”  Then I think, “Well if I tell them will they treat him differently?”  “But if I don't, will they wonder why I am always so paranoid when we are sitting on our front porch?”  Fear can be my worst enemy.

Those voices in my head have done great things for me too, like knowing my son needed help early on.  The thing I am working on lately is how to filter the good from the bad.  Listening to what will move and forward my life into the direction that I want it to go.  I’m also human and sometimes allow the fear to take over.  It was possibly the first few weeks we moved into our home and I was so worried about my son wandering off.  I saw our new neighbor and went to introduce myself and one of the first things I blurted out was, "My son has Autism so if you happen to see him wandering off please stop him."  You can only imagine what was going through my head in the instant the words came out of my mouth.  I came home and told my husband, "Well the neighbor thinks I am crazy so there goes our kids’ social life".  Needless to say, I have since learned to filter my thoughts before they come out of my mouth, especially in front of new people.

So this past weekend we were waiting to start our first swimming lesson and I held myself back from telling the instructor about my son.  He did awesome and as a matter of fact, so did I!  The thing I am coming to terms with is, “Who am I trying to protect by telling people about my son?”  The truth is, it’s me!!  He is perfectly content being who he is.  It is my ego that wants to tell people before they look to judge us.   I need to start having more faith in people.   I am also learning to not be so affected by what others may think.  The fact is pre-children I was the person who would look at a parent in the store with their screaming child and think, "They have no clue what they are doing."  Fast forward to today and that's me the parent with the screaming children...and so the saying goes "Until you have walked in my shoes don't judge". 

The thing is we all do that.  We see someone and automatically place a label on them.  We really don't know what is going on in their world.  So, today I am choosing to smile and feel confident with humanity.  When I hear the "Voices in my Head" I will stop for a moment and listen.  I will do my best to distinguish fear from truth.  I will allow things to play out before I try to "fix" them.  I know this doesn't mean people will stop judging me, but I will just be there to help them understand. 

Why I Stopped Talking to my Son when he was Angry

Why I Stopped Talking to my Son when he was Angry

It is really challenging to stay calm when your child is having an angry moment; but believe me, it's what gets you the most peaceful results. There are times that my son has some tough behavioral breakdowns that can drive me to lose it. The thing is, when I don’t stay calm, it only makes matters worse and then I feel like a bad parent at the end of the day. I do my best to practice what I preach.  Here are four steps that help me stay peaceful and in control so that my son’s anger doesn’t become my own:

   1. Breathe!!

It helps to calm my mind and allows me to think in a rational way. I usually ask myself while I take the moment to breath, “What do I need to do to help my son?”

  

2. Connect 

He is not being bad.  Rather, he is acting out because he cannot appropriately deal with his anger and frustrations in the moment.

 3. Don’t Take it Personally 

I have to keep reminding myself that this is not a personal attack and absolutely not a reflection of me as a parent.

4. Give Calm Cues  

Instead of getting sucked into his anger I calmly repeated every so often what I wanted him to do.  “When you get calm, I will talk to you.”

I have to remind myself that he needs me to help him work through this difficult situation that he is experiencing. If I allow myself to get sucked into his anger spiral I will not be able to help him at all.   Instead, I will escalate his angry situation and turn it into mine. I have to talk myself through it because believe me, getting through these steps and staying calm is not easy. However, as I have experienced before, staying calm is so worth the end result of helping my child. It allows me to teach and show him by my own example how to stay calm when things make you angry or frustrated. 

    As I was practicing these techniques today I had to do something to distract myself from engaging as he was screaming and acting out. I kept reminding myself that if I stayed calm, he would get there too. His screaming lasted several minutes and I could see he wanted me to engage, but I stuck it out and gave him calm cues every so often. "When you get calm I will talk to you" is what I kept repeating in a calm voice.  I suddenly heard his cry go from one of anger and rage to one of sadness and I knew the release was coming. He looked at me and said "I need a hug!!"  

    It was definitely challenging staying calm because I believe we are wired to be reactive, but the connection and trust we are building with each other is so worth the effort. 

By, Margarita Daskalakis

The Day I tried to Surprise my Kids with a Trip to Disney and Why it Back Fired

My husband and I spent a year planning a surprise trip for our children to go to Disney.  We had visions of what their reactions would be when they opened up their t-shirts saying they were going to Disney.  Yet when the time finally came, one of our kids did not give us the reaction we were expecting.  He was excited, yet worried.  He asked about a million questions.  "When are we leaving? When are we getting back?  I am going to have to miss a day of school?!?"

I will admit, I was a bit annoyed.  Didn't he appreciate this amazing gift?  I took it personally when it had nothing to do with me.  My son was having an internal struggle.  You see, he is a planner.  He likes to know what he is doing, when he is doing it and how it is happening.  He thought we were doing one thing with his week off and then we blew his organized plans out of the water.

It took him a few hours to wrap his head around it and get excited where as my daughter was jumping for joy the moment she found out. What I learned is that it is OK.  My son needed time to process and plan before he could show his excitement.

So often we have these expectations of our children and when they don't meet them we get annoyed or angry.  The lesson I took from reflecting back on this was that I was looking at my child as being ungrateful rather than struggling to process it.  When I see him as being ungrateful it only made me angry.  But when I understand that he is struggling then I can support him and have a positive experience instead of a negative one.  Then we all win.

By Juarline Stavrinos