Responsibilities and The Future

Responsibilities and The Future

We often here the term Helicopter Moms which basically describes a style of parenting that parents are doing everything and anything for their children.  Personally, I think it doesn't come from a bad place for some its wanting to give their children things and time that they never got from their parents.  For others,  it may be from fear and simply wanting to keep our kids safe from the world around us.  I think if possible I am cross between Free Range and Helicopter if that is even possible (hahaha).  

    I often reflect back to myself as a child and I grew up as a latch kid key.  I was in the first grade when I started to walk home from school with my brother who was in third grade.  We had our own set of keys because both our parents worked.  Yes, does part of me wish I had my mom waiting for me outside of school at times sure, I w

ould be lying if I said no.  However, with that being said I truly believe that having working parents and being a latch kid key made me resilient.  I had no choice but to become responsible for myself at a very young age.  I didn’t have anyone home helping me with homework or organizing my day.  I had to do it myself and learned early on how to organize my time at home so that I could get homework done and still have time to play.  In today’s world we structure every minute of our children’s time and fill every second with activities that we as parents organize.  It’s also a controversial thing to leave your kids home alone or send them to the park alone.  I sway back and forth on this one I am sure my upbringing has a lot to do with it.  I too like other parents have fears and want to keep my children safe.  I can recall the first time my daughter who was 7 years old at the time asked me to ride her bike around the block by herself.  There was a part of me that wanted to say “No” but a little voice inside my head said “you can’t hold her back from growing and learning how to navigate in this world on her own”, so I let 

her go. I sat in front of my house with my heart racing but I knew it was for the greater good and the confidence and experience she would gain was so worth it.  When I saw her coming around I smiled and reminded myself how much I learned by doing things on my own when I was her age. 

    Life experience is the best gift we can give ourselves and our children.  I share this with you not as who’s doing it wrong or right but as a reflection of what we can do to help our children grow into the responsible adults we want them to be.  I have read many articles that speak about kids in high school or college  that don't have a clue about being responsible for themselves.  I even know parents who write their children’s college applications and essays and then we hear that these upcoming generations are having a harder time finding and keeping jobs.  I question why is that, what can we do differently to help our children now before they get to this point that responsibility becomes so overwhe

lming to them.

     We need to reflect back to the past where children were given more responsibilities and expected to help out in their homes.  Thinking back to those times it was normal to see young kids in the laundromat doing their families laundry or in the supermarket picking up some groceries that their family needs. Sadly, if we saw a a child even about 9 years old in the market picking up milk for their mom we would all think they are being neglected and someone would probably call CPS on the family.  I told you earlier that I am a cross between free range parenting and helicoptering.  I think its a battle I go through in my head trying to figure out how to foster  responsibility, independence, confidence in my children while they are out in the world.  When I was 8 years old I would ride the elevated train to my mom’s job

a few train stops away.  I knew how to buy a token and where to get off.  I can recall feeling scared once or twice when a strange man would be starring at me but I gained real life skills that helped me.  I would have never been able to learn those things without experiencing them on my own.  I know some of you are going to ask me if I would let my daughter ride the train now and the answer is no.  I don't think  she is ready to do so.  

    This brings me back to the story 

of her riding her bike around the block.  She asked me to do it.  It made me realize even though I honestly was afraid I thought somewhere inside of her she is ready for this.  She wouldn't ask me if she wasn't and I of course gave her 100 rules she had to follow while she went around the block.  So, now I ask you how will you answer when your child ask you to do something on their own.  Will you allow them to go and learn how to spread their wings or will your fear of the million “What if’s “ hold you back and in turn hold them from becoming responsible for themselves.  While you are reflecting on this, I invite you to fast forward for a bit and think if your child is 8 now, in ten short years they will be going off to college.  Many of them will be going out of state and for

most of them this will be their first experience of being on their own.  Don't you think we should start teaching them from now how to navigate through some of life’s challenges that will more than likely come up.  Most people I know don't even let their children go to the rest room alone in a restaurant for fear that someone will harm them in the bathroom.  Sometimes, depending on where we are I am one of those parents but I do my best to not let the fear of the “ What if’s” consume me.   

    I am still cautious but now I give my kids the freedom to grow and learn from their own mistakes and choices.  I am always with them to gently guide them and hopefully be the voice in their head that directs to make the best decisions.Take the time to reflect where can you give your kids more freedom so they can go, grow and learn.  Give them their wings now so they will be ready to conquer the world instead of be overwhelmed by it. the best way I can hopefully one you up to allowing the growth is to think about this.  How do you teach someone to ride a bicycle? You can tell them what they need to do but the only way they learn is to actually get on the bike and do it.  

A Bump in a Road that Taught this Busy Mom a Lesson

It was just a few weeks ago, when I was going to bed stressed out over all the things I had to do the next day.  I had a big meeting with a client, a ton of errands to run, a meeting at the kid’s school, an evening workshop to teach and a long list of emails to write.  My mind was racing and I had a hard time sleeping.

The next morning my daughter came downstairs.  I had everything prepped for her.  Her breakfast was on the table, her lunch was made and her backpack was packed.  I was ready for the morning race to get her off to school on time.  But instead of getting ready for school I was rushing her to the ER.  She came downstairs that morning with her lips blue, having cold sweats and her heart was racing.   After a call to her doctor we were off to the ER with concerns of her high heart rate.

While in that hospital room all I could think about was my baby girl, and praying that everything would be all right.  There she was, scared of all the machines and poking and prodding.  I was so scared for her, but somehow I found a strength I never knew I had to hold back my fear and crazy thoughts and focus only on getting her through this.

That day we were admitted into the hospital for observation.  All the stressing the night before was for nothing.  I didn’t get to run those errands or get to the meeting at the kids' school. I didn’t get to teach the evening workshop or write the long list of emails.  I had something much more important to worry about...the health of my daughter.  That night, instead of stressing over the next day's events, I was praying and counting my blessings.  Blessings that I found even in that crazy day.  I was grateful for the doctors and nurses that helped my daughter.  I was grateful for the Life’s Work volunteers who brought her gifts and crafts that made her smile.  I was grateful for a private room and all the get well wishes we were given.  I was grateful for all the prayer warriors who had my daughter in their thoughts.

Thank goodness my daughter was discharged the next day.  She ended up having a virus and dehydration that made her heart rate so high.  That crazy day taught me a lesson: It is never worth worrying over things that haven’t happened yet.   It’s actually a waste of time and energy.   Instead, when I start to get that little voice creeping in my head with the million things I need to do the next day, I stop myself.  I start to look at all the blessings I have had in my day.  Things that have actually happened and I choose to focus on that. This reminds me of a great quote by Mary Engelbreit "Worrying does not empty tomorrow of it's troubles, it empties today of it's strength."  Why worry about things that may never actually happen?  I learned to be grateful for the rays of sunshine in my day and to focus on those blessings, because what you focus on grows and that’s what I want more of in my life.

By Juarline Stavrinos

Tantrums, Not my kid

Tantrums, Not my kid

Prior to becoming a parent, I thought tantrums were only for terrible twos.  So when my child breezed through twos without a tantrum I thought I was home free.  Then on his third birthday, as if on cue, we decided to make chocolate chip cookies and I put the vanilla in the batter instead of him. Next thing I knew he was having his first tantrum right on the kitchen floor.

Two kids later and much wiser, I know that everyone has tantrums.  Haven't you ever seen an adult tantrum?  I can think of a few.  Ok, let's be honest I have had my fair share.  But the key is to teach our children, and ourselves how to go through our emotional tantrums in a socially acceptable way.  This is why myself, and great friend Margarita, created our workshop that Newsday featured called, "Effective Parenting Through Meltdowns and Tantrums".  We want to let families know you are not alone and yes there are tools that can lessen the tantrum, but also teach our children how to handle their emotions.  When life hands us lemons, lets have a family lemonade stand.  We want families to know their is help out there, you just have to reach for it.

You are Not Alone: A Mothers Reflection on Autism and Social Events

You are Not Alone: A Mothers Reflection on Autism and Social Events

I see you...don't think I don't.  You're the one who can't sit down at BBQ's, parks or at kiddie parties. I see you pacing back and forth, keeping your eyes on your little one making sure they are okay, making sure they don't get into trouble, trying to keep them from getting in the way because you think others will not get it. I see you and know you because I was and am you too. That mom with the child  that happens to have Autism. You feel like you can't sit down and relax like the rest of the parents are, because if you look away for a moment your little boy might bolt and wander away. You think the other kids and families may not get him and may be mean to him, so you keep pacing back and forth all along keeping your eyes on him. You look around and wonder why don't these other parents get up and look after their kids too?  But that doesn't seem to happen, it's only you.

   It's so hard at times, and you think no one gets it but believe me they do. You will see her or him and know right away, there goes another parent who can't sit still and then you turn to look and recognize the journey that they are on too. You connect to that familiar look of worry and tiredness. You want to reach out and tell them it's all going to be okay, keep up the good work; because not too long ago that was you chasing your little boy too, but now as the years have gone by I am actually sitting (not quite like the rest of the parent as my eyes are always on my kids and my ears are always listening for his scream). It is getting better though.  I can relax and eat my meal without fear that he will run away. I am reaping the benefits of all the Early Intervention and CPSE years, which included 36 hours a week of intense therapy. We worked and continue to work hard as a family to support both of our children (one with Autism) to live their best and fullest lives. So, as I sit here thinking I was once you not so long ago. I want you to know that I stand with you in spirit. I fight with you to bring awareness for our children and families. I walk with you and want to make sure you know you are not alone. We will all do this together.

By Margarita Daskalakis

A Note from a Mom to her Son on his 5th Grade Graduation

A Note from a Mom to her Son on his 5th Grade Graduation

Jul 21, 2015

To my amazing boy,

I was just about to start making a slide show for you on the past eleven years and emotion came over me that I had to stop and write you this note.  Eleven years ago when I had you, my first child, I was overwhelmed with joy and I vowed to make every moment count.  I would stroke your hair as I fed you and would say to myself, “remember this because it won’t last forever.”  I would listen to your amazing giggles and want to imprint them in my brain because it was such a special sound.  And when people would say,  “I can’t wait to see him walk, or talk…”, I would say to myself, “I can wait, because I am enjoying him now.”  I would often hear parents of older children say, “Enjoy him now because before you know it he’ll be out of the house”.  I would get so annoyed thinking, why are they rushing our time. 

But here we are eleven years later, and I cannot believe how fast it has gone.  As I write this, tears are rolling down my face because of how much I love you and am proud of you.  The other day you said to me, “I’m not ready for middle school” , and I should have told you, “me neither.”  But ready or not, we get to do this.  I know you are afraid of a new school, new friends, changing classes and having a locker;  I am afraid too.  I wonder, will we still have our cuddle time, will you still want a kiss before bed, will you still want to play games with me or just talk?   I have learned something that has helped when I swirl in the questions of “what ifs”.  If you allow yourself to feel that fear, I mean really find where you are feeling it in your body, you can also feel excitement.  It comes from the same place.  Yes, things are going to be different and new. But knowing who you are, they are going to be amazing!  Here’s another thing I learned, it is not here yet so lets enjoy this time, our now, because it’s the only way to slow things down.

So tomorrow as I watch you sing and graduate from your elementary school years, I want you to know how proud mommy and daddy are of you.  How happy you have made us these past eleven years.  Believe it or not you have made us better people.  You are special my boy, inside and out.  Through the laughter, the bumps, the joys, the gray hairs and twists and turns, we have had a blast.  And yes, I am looking forward to the amazing things you are going to create as you continue to grow and learn new things.  We all feel fear sometimes, but know we are always here for you.  Let’s enjoy this summer, let’s celebrate all you have accomplished and continue creating amazing memories.  I am warning you, there will be tears tomorrow, but that’s because mommy will be seeing her baby boy growing into this awesome young man.  And it’s ok.  I will tell myself the same things I just told you.  I am going to enjoy our time, our now.  I love you always. You will always be my beautiful boy.  Now go get ‘em!

Love,

Mommy

by Juarline Stavrinos

Parent and Child Debate: A different perspective

Parent and Child Debate: A different perspective

During my journey of being a parent of two children and also supporting other families as a Parent Coach, I see one of the biggest frustrations we face is getting our kids to listen.  As I am sitting here in reflection, I ask myself, "What does that mean? Do we want our kids to be perfect beings when we certainly are not? Why is it that we expect our kids to do as they are told when we struggle with it ourselves?" Believe me, as a mom I want my kids to respect my word and there are many areas that they are not allowed to debate me. For example, our morning routine is not negotiable.  They know they must complete their morning tasks (getting dressed, fixing their beds, emptying the dishwasher and getting their lunch boxes ready for school) before they get to eat breakfast. We also have a weekday morning rule of NO ELECTRONICS that they cannot negotiate. 

However, just like in any household, my kids debate me and my husband when we request things of them. It often frustrates me.  I sometimes wish they would just do as they are told. Then there is the logical part of me, I suppose the Parent Coach part of my brain, that gets that this is not realistic. They are kids, not robots.  They have emotions, wants, needs and expectations just like any adult has. We are raising them to be good human beings who go after their dreams and do their best to achieve them.  I am always telling my kids, "Anything worth having is worth the effort."  So then I have to ask myself, why do I get so annoyed when they put the effort in to get what they want.  I can already hear the comments that some may make when reading this blog.  It's probably something like, “Kids should do as they are told”.  I have similar beliefs but with exception. 

I am on a journey of learning and what I have learned is I have to pick my battles, even with my kids.  As I have stated earlier, there are areas that my kids know they cannot debate but other areas I am learning to allow them to assert their independent thinking without taking it personally.  I am learning to not react to feeling the frustration that we tend to feel when our kids say “No” but instead to respond and listen to their needs. I am learning and sharing this with the parents I support. As we know, it takes a village to raise a child so it's important to share what we learn in our parenting journey.

If I allow myself to be honest I can recall that I debated and often tried to persuade my parents to change their minds if they said no to me or persuade them to get me something I wanted. In reflection, that practice with my parents is serving me well as an adult. I often do not take "No" for an answer. If I truly want something, I work hard at getting it. I believe that strong drive was nurtured in me as a child, even though I am sure my parents used to get annoyed at me just like I do with my own kids. The point is to think of the positive here, which is that some of your kids' challenging behaviors may serve them well as adults. 

If we as parents and caretakers allow this to be part of our parenting practice, it will take away some of the frustrations we deal with. If you knew your child was going to grow up to be one of the country's top lawyers wouldn't you help them to nurture their practice? I often hear of parents hiring personal soccer (or any sport) coaches to build up their child's skills. Allowing our children the right to have a healthy, respectful debate with us builds their confidence and teaches them that it's okay to go after what they want and what they believe in.

By Margarita Daskalakis, High Functioninig Family Parent Coach

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Overcoming Fear

Overcoming Fear

I remember going to the movies and in the midst of all of the previews I heard this quote. "Fear is not real.  It is a product of thoughts you create. Don't misunderstand me danger is very real.  But Fear is a choice." - Will Smith.  It had me think about how many times I have allowed fear to stop me in doing things. Big things.  Thinking I have no choice, but I do.  I have the choice to allow the fear the cripple me or to leap through the fear and do it anyway.

Think of how many times you have been afraid to do something. What would be different if you acknowledged the fear, and chose to do it anyway?  How would things be different?  So what does it take to choose out of fear? Something bigger and more important than the fear.  When I was pregnant with my first child I was so afraid of having a c-section.  I would get so anxious thinking about the possibility.  When I went into labor my child's heart stopped and I needed an emergency c-section.  All I could think about was my child.  That fear of the surgery never entered my mind because there was a bigger purpose.  Even something smaller such as speaking to a large group of people.  I remember shaking, but then thinking, I have something to teach these people. I can make a difference.  So what's more important, my fear or the difference I can make? 

Next time fear creeps in, know it's ok  and natural.  Experience the fear, then stop, think about what it is you are afraid of and why.  What will happen if you don't do it? What will be different if you do it? Then Choose.  You are the author of your life.  Write your beautiful story and make a difference in this world!

by Juarline Stavrinos