Parent and Child Debate: A different perspective
During my journey of being a parent of two children and also supporting other families as a Parent Coach, I see one of the biggest frustrations we face is getting our kids to listen. As I am sitting here in reflection, I ask myself, "What does that mean? Do we want our kids to be perfect beings when we certainly are not? Why is it that we expect our kids to do as they are told when we struggle with it ourselves?" Believe me, as a mom I want my kids to respect my word and there are many areas that they are not allowed to debate me. For example, our morning routine is not negotiable. They know they must complete their morning tasks (getting dressed, fixing their beds, emptying the dishwasher and getting their lunch boxes ready for school) before they get to eat breakfast. We also have a weekday morning rule of NO ELECTRONICS that they cannot negotiate.
However, just like in any household, my kids debate me and my husband when we request things of them. It often frustrates me. I sometimes wish they would just do as they are told. Then there is the logical part of me, I suppose the Parent Coach part of my brain, that gets that this is not realistic. They are kids, not robots. They have emotions, wants, needs and expectations just like any adult has. We are raising them to be good human beings who go after their dreams and do their best to achieve them. I am always telling my kids, "Anything worth having is worth the effort." So then I have to ask myself, why do I get so annoyed when they put the effort in to get what they want. I can already hear the comments that some may make when reading this blog. It's probably something like, “Kids should do as they are told”. I have similar beliefs but with exception.
I am on a journey of learning and what I have learned is I have to pick my battles, even with my kids. As I have stated earlier, there are areas that my kids know they cannot debate but other areas I am learning to allow them to assert their independent thinking without taking it personally. I am learning to not react to feeling the frustration that we tend to feel when our kids say “No” but instead to respond and listen to their needs. I am learning and sharing this with the parents I support. As we know, it takes a village to raise a child so it's important to share what we learn in our parenting journey.
If I allow myself to be honest I can recall that I debated and often tried to persuade my parents to change their minds if they said no to me or persuade them to get me something I wanted. In reflection, that practice with my parents is serving me well as an adult. I often do not take "No" for an answer. If I truly want something, I work hard at getting it. I believe that strong drive was nurtured in me as a child, even though I am sure my parents used to get annoyed at me just like I do with my own kids. The point is to think of the positive here, which is that some of your kids' challenging behaviors may serve them well as adults.
If we as parents and caretakers allow this to be part of our parenting practice, it will take away some of the frustrations we deal with. If you knew your child was going to grow up to be one of the country's top lawyers wouldn't you help them to nurture their practice? I often hear of parents hiring personal soccer (or any sport) coaches to build up their child's skills. Allowing our children the right to have a healthy, respectful debate with us builds their confidence and teaches them that it's okay to go after what they want and what they believe in.
By Margarita Daskalakis, High Functioninig Family Parent Coach
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During my journey of being a parent of two children and also supporting other families as a Parent Coach, I see one of the biggest frustrations we face is getting our kids to listen. As I am sitting here in reflection, I ask myself, "What does that mean? Do we want our kids to be perfect beings when we certainly are not? Why is it that we expect our kids to do as they are told when we struggle with it ourselves?" Believe me, as a mom I want my kids to respect my word and there are many areas that they are not allowed to debate me. For example, our morning routine is not negotiable. They know they must complete their morning tasks (getting dressed, fixing their beds, emptying the dishwasher and getting their lunch boxes ready for school) before they get to eat breakfast. We also have a weekday morning rule of NO ELECTRONICS that they cannot negotiate.
However, just like in any household, my kids debate me and my husband when we request things of them. It often frustrates me. I sometimes wish they would just do as they are told. Then there is the logical part of me, I suppose the Parent Coach part of my brain, that gets that this is not realistic. They are kids, not robots. They have emotions, wants, needs and expectations just like any adult has. We are raising them to be good human beings who go after their dreams and do their best to achieve them. I am always telling my kids, "Anything worth having is worth the effort." So then I have to ask myself, why do I get so annoyed when they put the effort in to get what they want. I can already hear the comments that some may make when reading this blog. It's probably something like, “Kids should do as they are told”. I have similar beliefs but with exception.
I am on a journey of learning and what I have learned is I have to pick my battles, even with my kids. As I have stated earlier, there are areas that my kids know they cannot debate but other areas I am learning to allow them to assert their independent thinking without taking it personally. I am learning to not react to feeling the frustration that we tend to feel when our kids say “No” but instead to respond and listen to their needs. I am learning and sharing this with the parents I support. As we know, it takes a village to raise a child so it's important to share what we learn in our parenting journey.
If I allow myself to be honest I can recall that I debated and often tried to persuade my parents to change their minds if they said no to me or persuade them to get me something I wanted. In reflection, that practice with my parents is serving me well as an adult. I often do not take "No" for an answer. If I truly want something, I work hard at getting it. I believe that strong drive was nurtured in me as a child, even though I am sure my parents used to get annoyed at me just like I do with my own kids. The point is to think of the positive here, which is that some of your kids' challenging behaviors may serve them well as adults.
If we as parents and caretakers allow this to be part of our parenting practice, it will take away some of the frustrations we deal with. If you knew your child was going to grow up to be one of the country's top lawyers wouldn't you help them to nurture their practice? I often hear of parents hiring personal soccer (or any sport) coaches to build up their child's skills. Allowing our children the right to have a healthy, respectful debate with us builds their confidence and teaches them that it's okay to go after what they want and what they believe in.
By Margarita Daskalakis, High Functioninig Family Parent Coach
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