The Voices in My Head

The voices in my head...Yes!! There are voices in my head and sometimes they drive me crazy!! I signed my kids up for swimming lessons.  This should be a fairly simple thing for most people but the voices in my head started up with, "Should I tell them that my son has autism?” and “If I don't tell them and he acts out, what will they think?".   This is a scenario that is often played out in my head.  When we first moved to our new home I was contemplating, “Should I tell the neighbors about him?”  Then I think, “Well if I tell them will they treat him differently?”  “But if I don't, will they wonder why I am always so paranoid when we are sitting on our front porch?”  Fear can be my worst enemy.

Those voices in my head have done great things for me too, like knowing my son needed help early on.  The thing I am working on lately is how to filter the good from the bad.  Listening to what will move and forward my life into the direction that I want it to go.  I’m also human and sometimes allow the fear to take over.  It was possibly the first few weeks we moved into our home and I was so worried about my son wandering off.  I saw our new neighbor and went to introduce myself and one of the first things I blurted out was, "My son has Autism so if you happen to see him wandering off please stop him."  You can only imagine what was going through my head in the instant the words came out of my mouth.  I came home and told my husband, "Well the neighbor thinks I am crazy so there goes our kids’ social life".  Needless to say, I have since learned to filter my thoughts before they come out of my mouth, especially in front of new people.

So this past weekend we were waiting to start our first swimming lesson and I held myself back from telling the instructor about my son.  He did awesome and as a matter of fact, so did I!  The thing I am coming to terms with is, “Who am I trying to protect by telling people about my son?”  The truth is, it’s me!!  He is perfectly content being who he is.  It is my ego that wants to tell people before they look to judge us.   I need to start having more faith in people.   I am also learning to not be so affected by what others may think.  The fact is pre-children I was the person who would look at a parent in the store with their screaming child and think, "They have no clue what they are doing."  Fast forward to today and that's me the parent with the screaming children...and so the saying goes "Until you have walked in my shoes don't judge". 

The thing is we all do that.  We see someone and automatically place a label on them.  We really don't know what is going on in their world.  So, today I am choosing to smile and feel confident with humanity.  When I hear the "Voices in my Head" I will stop for a moment and listen.  I will do my best to distinguish fear from truth.  I will allow things to play out before I try to "fix" them.  I know this doesn't mean people will stop judging me, but I will just be there to help them understand. 

Why I Stopped Talking to my Son when he was Angry

Why I Stopped Talking to my Son when he was Angry

It is really challenging to stay calm when your child is having an angry moment; but believe me, it's what gets you the most peaceful results. There are times that my son has some tough behavioral breakdowns that can drive me to lose it. The thing is, when I don’t stay calm, it only makes matters worse and then I feel like a bad parent at the end of the day. I do my best to practice what I preach.  Here are four steps that help me stay peaceful and in control so that my son’s anger doesn’t become my own:

   1. Breathe!!

It helps to calm my mind and allows me to think in a rational way. I usually ask myself while I take the moment to breath, “What do I need to do to help my son?”

  

2. Connect 

He is not being bad.  Rather, he is acting out because he cannot appropriately deal with his anger and frustrations in the moment.

 3. Don’t Take it Personally 

I have to keep reminding myself that this is not a personal attack and absolutely not a reflection of me as a parent.

4. Give Calm Cues  

Instead of getting sucked into his anger I calmly repeated every so often what I wanted him to do.  “When you get calm, I will talk to you.”

I have to remind myself that he needs me to help him work through this difficult situation that he is experiencing. If I allow myself to get sucked into his anger spiral I will not be able to help him at all.   Instead, I will escalate his angry situation and turn it into mine. I have to talk myself through it because believe me, getting through these steps and staying calm is not easy. However, as I have experienced before, staying calm is so worth the end result of helping my child. It allows me to teach and show him by my own example how to stay calm when things make you angry or frustrated. 

    As I was practicing these techniques today I had to do something to distract myself from engaging as he was screaming and acting out. I kept reminding myself that if I stayed calm, he would get there too. His screaming lasted several minutes and I could see he wanted me to engage, but I stuck it out and gave him calm cues every so often. "When you get calm I will talk to you" is what I kept repeating in a calm voice.  I suddenly heard his cry go from one of anger and rage to one of sadness and I knew the release was coming. He looked at me and said "I need a hug!!"  

    It was definitely challenging staying calm because I believe we are wired to be reactive, but the connection and trust we are building with each other is so worth the effort. 

By, Margarita Daskalakis

The Day I tried to Surprise my Kids with a Trip to Disney and Why it Back Fired

My husband and I spent a year planning a surprise trip for our children to go to Disney.  We had visions of what their reactions would be when they opened up their t-shirts saying they were going to Disney.  Yet when the time finally came, one of our kids did not give us the reaction we were expecting.  He was excited, yet worried.  He asked about a million questions.  "When are we leaving? When are we getting back?  I am going to have to miss a day of school?!?"

I will admit, I was a bit annoyed.  Didn't he appreciate this amazing gift?  I took it personally when it had nothing to do with me.  My son was having an internal struggle.  You see, he is a planner.  He likes to know what he is doing, when he is doing it and how it is happening.  He thought we were doing one thing with his week off and then we blew his organized plans out of the water.

It took him a few hours to wrap his head around it and get excited where as my daughter was jumping for joy the moment she found out. What I learned is that it is OK.  My son needed time to process and plan before he could show his excitement.

So often we have these expectations of our children and when they don't meet them we get annoyed or angry.  The lesson I took from reflecting back on this was that I was looking at my child as being ungrateful rather than struggling to process it.  When I see him as being ungrateful it only made me angry.  But when I understand that he is struggling then I can support him and have a positive experience instead of a negative one.  Then we all win.

By Juarline Stavrinos

Responsibilities and The Future

Responsibilities and The Future

We often here the term Helicopter Moms which basically describes a style of parenting that parents are doing everything and anything for their children.  Personally, I think it doesn't come from a bad place for some its wanting to give their children things and time that they never got from their parents.  For others,  it may be from fear and simply wanting to keep our kids safe from the world around us.  I think if possible I am cross between Free Range and Helicopter if that is even possible (hahaha).  

    I often reflect back to myself as a child and I grew up as a latch kid key.  I was in the first grade when I started to walk home from school with my brother who was in third grade.  We had our own set of keys because both our parents worked.  Yes, does part of me wish I had my mom waiting for me outside of school at times sure, I w

ould be lying if I said no.  However, with that being said I truly believe that having working parents and being a latch kid key made me resilient.  I had no choice but to become responsible for myself at a very young age.  I didn’t have anyone home helping me with homework or organizing my day.  I had to do it myself and learned early on how to organize my time at home so that I could get homework done and still have time to play.  In today’s world we structure every minute of our children’s time and fill every second with activities that we as parents organize.  It’s also a controversial thing to leave your kids home alone or send them to the park alone.  I sway back and forth on this one I am sure my upbringing has a lot to do with it.  I too like other parents have fears and want to keep my children safe.  I can recall the first time my daughter who was 7 years old at the time asked me to ride her bike around the block by herself.  There was a part of me that wanted to say “No” but a little voice inside my head said “you can’t hold her back from growing and learning how to navigate in this world on her own”, so I let 

her go. I sat in front of my house with my heart racing but I knew it was for the greater good and the confidence and experience she would gain was so worth it.  When I saw her coming around I smiled and reminded myself how much I learned by doing things on my own when I was her age. 

    Life experience is the best gift we can give ourselves and our children.  I share this with you not as who’s doing it wrong or right but as a reflection of what we can do to help our children grow into the responsible adults we want them to be.  I have read many articles that speak about kids in high school or college  that don't have a clue about being responsible for themselves.  I even know parents who write their children’s college applications and essays and then we hear that these upcoming generations are having a harder time finding and keeping jobs.  I question why is that, what can we do differently to help our children now before they get to this point that responsibility becomes so overwhe

lming to them.

     We need to reflect back to the past where children were given more responsibilities and expected to help out in their homes.  Thinking back to those times it was normal to see young kids in the laundromat doing their families laundry or in the supermarket picking up some groceries that their family needs. Sadly, if we saw a a child even about 9 years old in the market picking up milk for their mom we would all think they are being neglected and someone would probably call CPS on the family.  I told you earlier that I am a cross between free range parenting and helicoptering.  I think its a battle I go through in my head trying to figure out how to foster  responsibility, independence, confidence in my children while they are out in the world.  When I was 8 years old I would ride the elevated train to my mom’s job

a few train stops away.  I knew how to buy a token and where to get off.  I can recall feeling scared once or twice when a strange man would be starring at me but I gained real life skills that helped me.  I would have never been able to learn those things without experiencing them on my own.  I know some of you are going to ask me if I would let my daughter ride the train now and the answer is no.  I don't think  she is ready to do so.  

    This brings me back to the story 

of her riding her bike around the block.  She asked me to do it.  It made me realize even though I honestly was afraid I thought somewhere inside of her she is ready for this.  She wouldn't ask me if she wasn't and I of course gave her 100 rules she had to follow while she went around the block.  So, now I ask you how will you answer when your child ask you to do something on their own.  Will you allow them to go and learn how to spread their wings or will your fear of the million “What if’s “ hold you back and in turn hold them from becoming responsible for themselves.  While you are reflecting on this, I invite you to fast forward for a bit and think if your child is 8 now, in ten short years they will be going off to college.  Many of them will be going out of state and for

most of them this will be their first experience of being on their own.  Don't you think we should start teaching them from now how to navigate through some of life’s challenges that will more than likely come up.  Most people I know don't even let their children go to the rest room alone in a restaurant for fear that someone will harm them in the bathroom.  Sometimes, depending on where we are I am one of those parents but I do my best to not let the fear of the “ What if’s” consume me.   

    I am still cautious but now I give my kids the freedom to grow and learn from their own mistakes and choices.  I am always with them to gently guide them and hopefully be the voice in their head that directs to make the best decisions.Take the time to reflect where can you give your kids more freedom so they can go, grow and learn.  Give them their wings now so they will be ready to conquer the world instead of be overwhelmed by it. the best way I can hopefully one you up to allowing the growth is to think about this.  How do you teach someone to ride a bicycle? You can tell them what they need to do but the only way they learn is to actually get on the bike and do it.  

A Bump in a Road that Taught this Busy Mom a Lesson

It was just a few weeks ago, when I was going to bed stressed out over all the things I had to do the next day.  I had a big meeting with a client, a ton of errands to run, a meeting at the kid’s school, an evening workshop to teach and a long list of emails to write.  My mind was racing and I had a hard time sleeping.

The next morning my daughter came downstairs.  I had everything prepped for her.  Her breakfast was on the table, her lunch was made and her backpack was packed.  I was ready for the morning race to get her off to school on time.  But instead of getting ready for school I was rushing her to the ER.  She came downstairs that morning with her lips blue, having cold sweats and her heart was racing.   After a call to her doctor we were off to the ER with concerns of her high heart rate.

While in that hospital room all I could think about was my baby girl, and praying that everything would be all right.  There she was, scared of all the machines and poking and prodding.  I was so scared for her, but somehow I found a strength I never knew I had to hold back my fear and crazy thoughts and focus only on getting her through this.

That day we were admitted into the hospital for observation.  All the stressing the night before was for nothing.  I didn’t get to run those errands or get to the meeting at the kids' school. I didn’t get to teach the evening workshop or write the long list of emails.  I had something much more important to worry about...the health of my daughter.  That night, instead of stressing over the next day's events, I was praying and counting my blessings.  Blessings that I found even in that crazy day.  I was grateful for the doctors and nurses that helped my daughter.  I was grateful for the Life’s Work volunteers who brought her gifts and crafts that made her smile.  I was grateful for a private room and all the get well wishes we were given.  I was grateful for all the prayer warriors who had my daughter in their thoughts.

Thank goodness my daughter was discharged the next day.  She ended up having a virus and dehydration that made her heart rate so high.  That crazy day taught me a lesson: It is never worth worrying over things that haven’t happened yet.   It’s actually a waste of time and energy.   Instead, when I start to get that little voice creeping in my head with the million things I need to do the next day, I stop myself.  I start to look at all the blessings I have had in my day.  Things that have actually happened and I choose to focus on that. This reminds me of a great quote by Mary Engelbreit "Worrying does not empty tomorrow of it's troubles, it empties today of it's strength."  Why worry about things that may never actually happen?  I learned to be grateful for the rays of sunshine in my day and to focus on those blessings, because what you focus on grows and that’s what I want more of in my life.

By Juarline Stavrinos

Tantrums, Not my kid

Tantrums, Not my kid

Prior to becoming a parent, I thought tantrums were only for terrible twos.  So when my child breezed through twos without a tantrum I thought I was home free.  Then on his third birthday, as if on cue, we decided to make chocolate chip cookies and I put the vanilla in the batter instead of him. Next thing I knew he was having his first tantrum right on the kitchen floor.

Two kids later and much wiser, I know that everyone has tantrums.  Haven't you ever seen an adult tantrum?  I can think of a few.  Ok, let's be honest I have had my fair share.  But the key is to teach our children, and ourselves how to go through our emotional tantrums in a socially acceptable way.  This is why myself, and great friend Margarita, created our workshop that Newsday featured called, "Effective Parenting Through Meltdowns and Tantrums".  We want to let families know you are not alone and yes there are tools that can lessen the tantrum, but also teach our children how to handle their emotions.  When life hands us lemons, lets have a family lemonade stand.  We want families to know their is help out there, you just have to reach for it.

You are Not Alone: A Mothers Reflection on Autism and Social Events

You are Not Alone: A Mothers Reflection on Autism and Social Events

I see you...don't think I don't.  You're the one who can't sit down at BBQ's, parks or at kiddie parties. I see you pacing back and forth, keeping your eyes on your little one making sure they are okay, making sure they don't get into trouble, trying to keep them from getting in the way because you think others will not get it. I see you and know you because I was and am you too. That mom with the child  that happens to have Autism. You feel like you can't sit down and relax like the rest of the parents are, because if you look away for a moment your little boy might bolt and wander away. You think the other kids and families may not get him and may be mean to him, so you keep pacing back and forth all along keeping your eyes on him. You look around and wonder why don't these other parents get up and look after their kids too?  But that doesn't seem to happen, it's only you.

   It's so hard at times, and you think no one gets it but believe me they do. You will see her or him and know right away, there goes another parent who can't sit still and then you turn to look and recognize the journey that they are on too. You connect to that familiar look of worry and tiredness. You want to reach out and tell them it's all going to be okay, keep up the good work; because not too long ago that was you chasing your little boy too, but now as the years have gone by I am actually sitting (not quite like the rest of the parent as my eyes are always on my kids and my ears are always listening for his scream). It is getting better though.  I can relax and eat my meal without fear that he will run away. I am reaping the benefits of all the Early Intervention and CPSE years, which included 36 hours a week of intense therapy. We worked and continue to work hard as a family to support both of our children (one with Autism) to live their best and fullest lives. So, as I sit here thinking I was once you not so long ago. I want you to know that I stand with you in spirit. I fight with you to bring awareness for our children and families. I walk with you and want to make sure you know you are not alone. We will all do this together.

By Margarita Daskalakis